haihz. i dunno. es was saying tt for all he knows, i might be a shy person haha. and i guess there is a side of me tt wants to be alone and like just quiet soemtimes. like today. haha... i dunno. after the anniversary i was just so tired and drained in a way... dunno lah and wasnt feeling very happy...just like. thinking abt stuff and like haihz. haha... dunno lah. sometimes i feel so alone. and i feel fake soemtimes. its like i act so happy and stuff but am i really? as in i guess i am lah but just tt im not in a good mood now so i think maybe im not? haha... dunno wad im talking oso. and i cant believe tt im tired lah. i woke up at 130 this morning ok. hello everyone this is the blog of a pig im afraid haha... and i din do any work today as usual. duno lah.

sometimes i feel so alone like i dun really have any one particular friend or friends tt i know im part of? like im part of a few gangs but like its just tt im there and stuff not really like im part of it? i really envy timmy soemtiems. its like he has wong and hong mun and stuff hu like msg him all day long and who he can call and stuff and i guess i want friends liddat too.

and like as i was walking back like so many thoughts came to my head like doubts and sometimes i really ask myself y am i doing what im doing? like my faith is such a big part but is it based on something real? its like i cant help but think sometimes that maybe its just tt we need to believe in something and thats y we believe in God, not tt Hes real. i know that like so many times things have happened to me that i have attributed to being frm God but like. the thought comes to my mind that mayeb its just coincidence? good things happen to christians but they also happen to non christians, and the same for bad things. its like hiahz. i know most of the time i am sure of what i believe in but its just tt now today at this moment im not. and like if what i believe in is wrong and what i am giving my life to is wrong then whats the pt? whats the purpose of my life? i dunno lah. its like the thing ive been praying abt most is not happening. i wish i had like a real encounter with God. like Moses and the burning bush kinda experience den maybe these thouhts will go away. its not like i want to think them or wad, but they just do come and its like i cant tell anyone abt it. i want to tell marcus but whats the pt haihz i dunno. he was asking me y din i tell him when i was feeling down recently but its just tt... like wad dex said. when marcus is with u den he will be like super close to u at tt pt in time. but once he moves on to like another person den he no longer thinks abt u. and its not liek i want him to think abt me all the time lah but its just tt when hes not there i dun feel like im his friend. and like my church friends... i dunno lah. dun wanna say anything.

tml got missions carnival and i shld be looking forward to it but im not. i dun want to have to pretned to be happy and like make noise and be in a festive mood. i want to curl up on my bed and read my book and spend soem times alone and in the quiet. haihz. wadeva in a super cranky mood now